(Editorâs Note: Apparently Reid is on vacation this week. After picking the Thursday night Cowboys game correctly, he left on a red-eye flight to his âwinter home,â which as far as we can tell is a tent behind the dumpster of a bar-and-grill on Anna Maria Island, Florida. This is the best we could do with the voice mail he sent the sports office Friday afternoon.)
âHey guys, itâs Reid. Sorry to have to leave a voice mail, but Iâm not going to be able to get my column in this week. IâmâŚ(background noise)âŚunder the weather. (uproarious background laughter) That game took it all out of me. The Cowboys looked great against Washington and I cleaned up on it, but hey, itâs Washington, their offensive line last night was atrocious. I havenât seen that many big dudes get injured since the great Golden Corral buffet stampede of oh-four.
âAnyway for your records, Iâm now 41-36 on the season, and 32-42-4 picking against the Vegas spread. Feel free to mention the first one and if you say my Vegas record, make sure everyone knows Iâve been distraught and off my game ever since I found out âScandalâ was going off the air.
âIâll go ahead and give you my picks, canât hurt to try. I donât have my notes here in front of me, IâmâŚ(barroom noises)âŚIâm at a charity run. Itâs a 5K for homelessness. I think weâre against it, I havenât asked.
âOkay, this weekâŚthe Giants are intriguing to me, in a âRidiculousnessâ-marathon-sort-of-way. Why would the Giants bench Eli Manning and still pretend like theyâre not tanking? It doesnât make any sense. Itâs like that Justice League movie, the longer you think about it, the dumber it gets. You know? If they have Superman, who cares about the other guys? Heâs faster than Flash, stronger than Wonder Woman and Aquaman, he makes everybody else irrelevant. I donât know whyâŚ
(Editorâs Note: At this point, Reid digressed into an in-depth monologue on the âJustice Leagueâ movie that lasted a half hour. Weâve omitted that from this column. Youâre welcome.)
âAnyway, the Giants are nine point underdogs at Oakland. The Raiders have to win this one, donât they? Even though these are two teams trying to chase each other down the toilet for next yearâs draft picks, Iâll take the Raiders to win, but not by nine.
âCleveland is getting thirteen-and-a-half points at the Chargers. With anyone else, that number would worry me, but hey, Cleveland gonna Cleveland. Iâll take the Chargers to win by more than two touchdowns any day. Picking the Browns to lose every week feels like betting on Middle School football to me sometimes. And I should know, Iâve done both.
âHey guysâŚ(crashing background noises)âŚIâve got to go. Happy hour just ended, and Iâm gonna see if theyâll cut me a deal on all those cheese sticks they couldnât sell. Iâll call you back.
Following that, Reid did not call back. His next communication came four hours later in the form of a fax from a Florida island sports bar. It appeared he had scrawled his picks on bar napkins and stuffed them into a fax machine. Hereâs what we could decipher from them.
âHey guys! Run these picks! Seattle (+5.5) at Philly! Russell Wilson can do almost everything, but he canât kick or play defense, or heal those who do. Eagles to win and cover.
âNew England (-9) at Buffalo? Were the Bills really 5-2 once, or did I dream that? That seems like something caused by a something heavy like an ether leak, or somewhere offering ânickel shot night.â Patriots to win and cover.
âAlso, Iâll pick Denver to win and cover the 1.5 point spread on Miami this week if it means we come to an agreement where âchain snatchingâ is no longer a penalty. I want to see that in every game. I wouldnât mind seeing it during the coin toss.
âSorry! More later. Thanks!
There was no âmore later,â no further faxes were received. The final word from Reid came two hours later. The sports office received a text message, accompanied by a picture which appeared to be Reid shirtless and handcuffed to a statue of a popular fast food mascot.
âHEY U!!!!! CAROLINA +4.5 at NOLA?? Are U kidding me? LOL! Saints baby! IMHO, Saints to cover like Camâs selection of silly hats. THX!â
We havenât heard from Reid since. If anyone sees him, please contact the Tyler Morning Telegraph sports offices, or better yet, your local constable. Good luck everybody.
- Reid Kerr talks a lot, as his wife always reminds him. Reidâs second book, âI Hate It Here: A Love Story,â is out now on Amazon.com. You can always tweet questions, comments, and angry messages to him at @reidaboutit.