Sunday column: Reid's vacation week

Published on Sunday, 3 December 2017 02:15 - Written by Reid Kerr, Sports Columnist

(Editor’s Note: Apparently Reid is on vacation this week. After picking the Thursday night Cowboys game correctly, he left on a red-eye flight to his “winter home,” which as far as we can tell is a tent behind the dumpster of a bar-and-grill on Anna Maria Island, Florida. This is the best we could do with the voice mail he sent the sports office Friday afternoon.)

“Hey guys, it’s Reid. Sorry to have to leave a voice mail, but I’m not going to be able to get my column in this week. I’m…(background noise)…under the weather. (uproarious background laughter) That game took it all out of me. The Cowboys looked great against Washington and I cleaned up on it, but hey, it’s Washington, their offensive line last night was atrocious. I haven’t seen that many big dudes get injured since the great Golden Corral buffet stampede of oh-four.

“Anyway for your records, I’m now 41-36 on the season, and 32-42-4 picking against the Vegas spread. Feel free to mention the first one and if you say my Vegas record, make sure everyone knows I’ve been distraught and off my game ever since I found out ‘Scandal’ was going off the air.

“I’ll go ahead and give you my picks, can’t hurt to try. I don’t have my notes here in front of me, I’m…(barroom noises)…I’m at a charity run. It’s a 5K for homelessness. I think we’re against it, I haven’t asked.

“Okay, this week…the Giants are intriguing to me, in a ‘Ridiculousness’-marathon-sort-of-way. Why would the Giants bench Eli Manning and still pretend like they’re not tanking? It doesn’t make any sense. It’s like that Justice League movie, the longer you think about it, the dumber it gets. You know? If they have Superman, who cares about the other guys? He’s faster than Flash, stronger than Wonder Woman and Aquaman, he makes everybody else irrelevant. I don’t know why…

(Editor’s Note: At this point, Reid digressed into an in-depth monologue on the “Justice League” movie that lasted a half hour. We’ve omitted that from this column. You’re welcome.)

“Anyway, the Giants are nine point underdogs at Oakland. The Raiders have to win this one, don’t they? Even though these are two teams trying to chase each other down the toilet for next year’s draft picks, I’ll take the Raiders to win, but not by nine.

“Cleveland is getting thirteen-and-a-half points at the Chargers. With anyone else, that number would worry me, but hey, Cleveland gonna Cleveland. I’ll take the Chargers to win by more than two touchdowns any day. Picking the Browns to lose every week feels like betting on Middle School football to me sometimes. And I should know, I’ve done both.

“Hey guys…(crashing background noises)…I’ve got to go. Happy hour just ended, and I’m gonna see if they’ll cut me a deal on all those cheese sticks they couldn’t sell. I’ll call you back.

Following that, Reid did not call back. His next communication came four hours later in the form of a fax from a Florida island sports bar. It appeared he had scrawled his picks on bar napkins and stuffed them into a fax machine. Here’s what we could decipher from them.

“Hey guys! Run these picks! Seattle (+5.5) at Philly! Russell Wilson can do almost everything, but he can’t kick or play defense, or heal those who do. Eagles to win and cover.

“New England (-9) at Buffalo? Were the Bills really 5-2 once, or did I dream that? That seems like something caused by a something heavy like an ether leak, or somewhere offering ‘nickel shot night.’ Patriots to win and cover.

“Also, I’ll pick Denver to win and cover the 1.5 point spread on Miami this week if it means we come to an agreement where “chain snatching” is no longer a penalty. I want to see that in every game. I wouldn’t mind seeing it during the coin toss.

“Sorry! More later. Thanks!

There was no “more later,” no further faxes were received. The final word from Reid came two hours later. The sports office received a text message, accompanied by a picture which appeared to be Reid shirtless and handcuffed to a statue of a popular fast food mascot.

“HEY U!!!!! CAROLINA +4.5 at NOLA?? Are U kidding me? LOL! Saints baby! IMHO, Saints to cover like Cam’s selection of silly hats. THX!”

We haven’t heard from Reid since. If anyone sees him, please contact the Tyler Morning Telegraph sports offices, or better yet, your local constable. Good luck everybody.

- Reid Kerr talks a lot, as his wife always reminds him. Reid’s second book, “I Hate It Here: A Love Story,” is out now on Amazon.com. You can always tweet questions, comments, and angry messages to him at @reidaboutit.